Losing the Spark

When I lost my job, in March, I felt pretty good about it, overall, if you can believe that.

I hadn't planned to retire until I turned 63, in 2028, and my investments manager even told me, a month before my layoff, that if I retired at that time, I'd be financially well off until I reached the age of 93. I laughed, asking her how I'd fare if I retired the next day.

DW slapped my arm and said, "You're not retiring tomorrow. I don't want you lounging around the house."

I haven't been exactly lounging around the house since I was let go but I have taken longer naps when the mood strikes me.

When I did eventually retire, I had told myself a long time ago, I would keep myself busy: I'd write more; I'd get outdoors with my camera; I'd get in my kayak whenever the weather was favourable.

Now that I've been retired, I've kept the first promise. In a short period, I've written a novel, on top of my blog. I've even gone out for a solo kayak and, at the time of writing this post, I had planned to take my kayak out this morning, weather permitting. If I have a YouTube video out, next week, we'll know if I was able to venture out.

But one thing I haven't done much this year, let alone since I haven't been working, is pick up a camera. With the exception of a couple of model shoots, a weekend trip to Toronto, and our trip to Peru, I have let my D-SLRs gather dust.

I haven't felt inspired, have lost the spark.

A couple of weeks ago, when the smoke from Northern Ontario forest fires kept me indoors, I did venture out, for a couple of minutes, to take a picture of the moon from the end of my driveway. It was an uninspired shot, hastily taken.

When I saw the images on a larger screen than that on the back of the camera, the images of the moon seemed blurry and I felt I had wasted my time capturing them. It was only later that I realized I was shooting through smoke haze, so of course the moon wouldn't be sharp.

But I haven't felt the need to pick up a camera since, and that bothers me. You see, since I've been without work, I've been afraid to spend money, so that's another reason why I haven't gone out much.

Taking photos doesn't usually cost much money, other than the gas that's required to drive to the spot where you want to capture images. Mind you, the model shoots I attended weren't cheap but I had paid for one while I was still employed and the other one will likely be my last for a while.

I still think I will pick up another job in the fall. What I'll do is anybody's guess: I want to do something that brings me joy, as my old job hadn't done that for a very long time. I don't think I want to be a technical writer anymore.

But what kind of scares me is that if I haven't taken photos when I'm 'semi-retired,' will I take them when I'm fully retired?

At the end of every year, I post my favourite photos that I've taken over that year, and this year's choices are pretty slim. Unless I find my spark, I may skip that annual post for this year.

But there are still months left to ignite that spark. I just have to find a way.

Happy Friday!