The Talk

I have a secret that I haven't shared.

On my Bluesky social media site, I've tried to portray myself as a happy-go-lucky, positive guy. I tend to start every morning by posting a positive message to my followers and anyone else who stumbles along that message. My message always begins with "G'morning, folks. How are you now?"

I try to say something uplifting about the day, ending with, "Have a great day and be awesome!" Sometimes, if I'm in a particularly sleepy state, I'll have that post with just those three sentences.

Similarly, before I go to bed, I'll hope that my readers had a great day, let them know how awesome they are, and then bid them, "G'night, folks. Sleep well."

If just one person reads these sign-on and sign-off messages and feels good, I feel that I've made a difference. And I'll feel good, too.

Like everyone in the world, I don't always have good days. I'm not always a happy camper. I strive to do my best but I'm only human. Some days, I don't feel like sharing any positivity, even if I still start and end my social-media days on positive notes.

Here's the secret that I haven't shared: for months now, I've been waking up in terrible pain. I feel it coming on as I lie in bed, ready to sleep, knowing that it's going to interrupt that sleep.

It has me constantly tossing and turning, looking for a comfortable position, but none comes. DW and I have been sleeping in separate rooms for more than a year, and that's a good thing: my endless movement, my tearing at the sheets—in addition to my snoring—would give DW a terrible sleep, too.

Image: Perplexity

I'm pretty sure that I have arthritis in both shoulders. It doesn't affect me much during the day with regular activities but if I lie on either side, at night, the weight of my upper body eventually presses on my shoulder and causes me pain, and I'll stir and roll over.

I can't lie on my stomach because I instinctively raise my arms past my head, and that causes pain. And if I lie on my back, I'll start snoring and will wake myself up.

Essentially, there's no position that I can sustain over night. No matter what I do, I eventually feel pain or discomfort and wake up.

I can't remember the last time that I slept soundly through the night. Perhaps, in late July, when DW and I were camping at Bonnechere Provincial Park. And on that weekend, I had put a kink in my neck so bad that I had to fill my system full of pain medication and alcohol to knock me out.

The kayaking video that I made on that trip was done with lots of meds in me. I'm surprised that it turned out at all.

When DW and I were camping in Parc National de la Jacques-Cartier, I was also dealing with pain while I slept in a tent. Thankfully, the tent was huge and we were on separate mattresses, in our own sleeping bags, and my tossing and turning didn't disturb DW.

My snoring did, but that's a different issue.

On one of our hikes, we had a talk that I've wanted to discuss for some time.

DW has known me through some of the worst parts of my foot issues and was dating me when I had two surgeries on my right foot. She knows the osteoarthritis that I had been dealing with until 2018, when I had surgery on my left foot that removed all the arthritic joints (replacing them with a plate and eight screws) and the cortisone injections in the arthritic joints in my right foot.

She knew when I was at my lowest point, when I said that if the pain in my feet wasn't solved through that surgery and treatment that I had my bridge all picked out. I had reached my limit of pain intolerance.

Well, my feet are fine, now. I don't feel any pain in my left foot and my right foot is manageable.

But I now have this problem with my shoulders. And if I'm going to be honest, this pain is a bit more intense, especially in the morning, as I'm trying to get out of bed.

I'm waiting for an appointment to see my doctor to get x-rays. If my shoulders are arthritic, I'll get a referral for cortisone injections, which will hopefully make the pain manageable. So far, magnesium and turmeric aren't helping.

Also, the last couple of times that we were paddling, I'd get home to find some of the knuckles in my right hand are sore. That's just great.

While we were on that hike, I told DW that I refused to grow old and be in pain. I wanted my life to be one of quality and that I'd never want to be a burden on anyone, especially her and our kids.

If that meant that I only had 10 more years, so be it.

I don't have a bridge picked out anymore—I don't think my shoulders would let me hoist myself onto the railing. But MAID is definitely a possibility.

I thought DW would laugh it off: "Oh, Ross, don't talk nonsense." But she simply said, "That would be a responsible approach. But I'm hopeful to have you around for more than 10 years."

If I can find relief for my shoulders, she just might get more than 10 years with me. But if this pain continues, my days will be numbered.

I'm sorry if this post isn't as cheery as my Bluesky messages. But sometimes, we just need to have these kind of talks. I had lived with pain for more than 40 years. I'm not going to go through 10 more.