Overwhelmed

Perhaps it's the short days, the lack of daylight, that is getting to me. I find it even worse on days that are overcast.

Feeling in the dark.

Because I work in our basement—I used to work in the room that DW and I renovated after our elder daughter went away to university, where we set up a home office and had two desks that faced each other: I moved to the basement after our kid came home for the summer and decided to stay put—it's even darker. I have a light, above my head, that has a motion sensor. But when I'm reading from my computer screen or typing away, with very little motion other than my finger tips, the light goes out and the only illumination comes from my computer screens.

I really should get outside, at lunch, but I find that I just don't have the energy. Thankfully, I find the energy at the end of my workday, when I climb the two flights of stairs to my bedroom, hop on my spin bike, and watch the sun set through the window.

I read a blog post that was recommended by a Twitter friend and as soon as I saw the subject, I knew that this was the mental ailment that I was suffering. What I thought was ennui is most likely executive dysfunction.

For months, I've found that I often lose focus on tasks at work. I'll read something several times and it just doesn't sink in. I'm easily distracted. I'm so unorganized that I have to make a list for everything. I have to set alarms to remind me of the simplest tasks.

I attend meetings but almost immediately forget what was discussed unless I write it down. I read an e-mail message but find that my mind wanders halfway through it. I need to take a break before I get back to it.

Another example: last Thursday, my eyes fell to the clock on the taskbar of my computer and I freaked out. I'm late for dropping off my CR-V at the mechanic's shop! I was supposed to be there an hour and a half ago!

My heart started pounding and I scooped up my smartphone and stood up from my desk, ready to race upstairs, rouse DW and jump in both vehicles. And then I remembered that I had driven our vehicle to the auto shop two days earlier. The work on the CR-V had already been completed.

Wow.

I sat down, tried to calm myself. But I was worried about this total lapse of memory.

We all have a set of so-called executive skills, which includes the following:

• a working memory
• the ability to observe and be cognizant of what is going on around us
• the ability to control our emotions, exercise self-restraint, and tolerate stress
• the ability to maintain focus
• the ability to define and achieve goals
• the ability to plan, prioritize, and initiate a series of tasks
• the ability to organize and manage time
• flexibility

As I read the post, I started seeing my recent behavior and started checking off boxes. My memory is awful. When I'm in a stressful situation, I tend to shut down, literally stopping motion, closing my eyes, and doing nothing until the stress fades.

I've already said I can't maintain focus (I had to re-read what I've written to make sure I did, in fact, mention that already). If I don't write something down, I'll forget about it. I start one task and then move onto another, and forget where I left off on the previous task, so I start over.

DW has suggested that perhaps, at some point during this pandemic, I caught COVID-19. Perhaps it happened after I had been fully vaxxed and felt no more effect than being run down. And perhaps the after-effect is the so-called 'brain fog' that other people who had been affected by the virus have dealt with.

Perhaps.

I feel that I need a reset. I need a vacation. And yes, DW and I have gotten away for a few days, but these getaways were extended weekends, camping, and for me that's not what I consider to be a true vacation. I haven't had a vacation since May of 2019, when I went to South Korea. I was away from the office for two weeks and came back feeling refreshed.

DW's and my getaways were relaxing, for the most part, but when I returned to work, I didn't feel that I had recharged my batteries.

On December 9, after DW and I finish our workday, we're going to jump in our car and drive to Toronto. We'll check in to a hotel across the street from Pearson International Airport, and get some rest. Early the next morning, hours before the sun comes up, we'll board a plane and fly to Cuba. For a week, we'll stay at an all-inclusive resort, where we'll relax, snorkel, swim, eat, drink, and (hopefully) recharge.

When we return home, our vacation will continue and we'll hopefully enjoy the Christmas holidays. I don't have to think about work until Tuesday, January 4.

And with any luck, my brain will be better. Hopefully, I'll be able to focus and achieve tasks.

If this doesn't happen, I'll seek professional help, knowing that getting away from it all wasn't enough.

I'm overwhelmed, as many of us are. I'm hopeful that in 11 days, that'll turn around.