On The Edge Of The Abyss

I don't know how to start this post.

And that's not often a problem for me. Usually, when I set out to write a blog post, I have an idea how I want to start it and basically what I want to say. I just start typing and as I go the words tend to come so quickly that most of them are gone by the time my fingers catch up. More often than not, what I plan to write doesn't actually make it in my post because my thoughts are fleeting.

An express train of thought, with no stops along the way. And often, as I'm sure you're aware, it's more like a train-wreck. My express-train-wreck of thoughts. Hence the subtitle.

And now a side line: I want to change the title of this blog. The Other Blog was cute for maybe the first day—and maybe only cute to me. But now that this is my primary blog, I need something more substantial. Two weeks is long enough to be content at leaving the title where it is.

So let's continue with this particular train of thought, shall we? I really did have a different idea for this post, but bear with me a little longer, would you? Maybe two more paragraphs.

Let's have a little contest. I'm considering renaming this blog My Train-Wreck of Thoughts. If you like that title, let me know. If you have a better title, let me know. If I prefer your suggestion, I'll choose it and you'll win. If you like my title, I'll enter you in a draw and will randomly pick a name for you to win either A) a copy of Songsaengnim: A Korea Diary (your choice of PDF or e-Pub format) or B) a random pick of one of the books in my library (by another author—I'm clearing out books^*).

You have until Friday, June 17, 2011 (this Friday) to provide either your support for my proposed title or one of your own. Let the best title win!

And now back to my main train of thought.

I'm pretty sure that you've noticed this year that I've written a lot of posts. A lot. And in the month of May, I wrote a post every day, whether I had something to say or not. I'm sorry if that annoyed you, but I've found the more I write, the more I think. And when I write something that I think is worthwhile, I hope you've enjoyed it (I can see that I'm going to end up apologizing for this post).

And ever since I handed my manuscript for my book off to the publisher, I've felt a tremendous weight lifted from me and I feel that I can move on to other things: namely, the next book. I have been working on it and I hope to have the rough draft of the first chapter finished by the end of this month. As some of you know, part of Chapter 1 has been posted online for a year.

I've been writing so much, lately, that I'm starting to get into trouble. From Monday through Friday, I work at my day job. As some of you know, I'm a technical writer (translation: technically, I write). I enjoy my job, for the most part. I always try to give it my best, and I almost never miss a deadline. I have a good rapport with my co-workers, with the developers, testers, trainers, and customer-support people. And not only do I admire and respect my manager, I like him too. When he's not my boss, I think of him as a friend.

So work is good. Sure, I get frustrated sometimes, but that's par for the course. Show me someone who is content with his or her job every single moment and I'll show you a substance abuser. Or someone who never interacts with another person.

While I like my job, I no longer love it. I look forward to putting in a day's work and then getting the hell out. When I leave the office, I don't give it another thought until I wake up the next morning and remind myself why the alarm went off at such an inhumane hour.

When I leave the office, I start thinking about my blog and what I'm going to write about. I've started getting panic attacks, afraid that if I don't post something for you to read, you'll move on. You'll stop following me. And though my following is small, I value each and every one of you.

And so, after work, I start thinking about tomorrow's post. I get home, greet my family, have dinner, clean up, spend some time with my girls, and put them to bed. Once they're in bed, I fire up my computer and start my next post.

Lori's not pleased, and rightly so. I mean, on Mondays and Tuesdays she works late, is busy on a conference call to Taiwan. We don't spend a lot of time together—and anyway, Tuesday is supposed to be my Toastmaster night, though I tend to blow it off more and more in favour of finding a place to sit and write (just like I'm doing right now, writing this post). On Wednesdays and Thursdays, I take the kids to soccer, and write my post while Lori either watches TV, without me. Missing my company. And so it goes for the other nights of the week

In May, I wrote a post every day. That was a record.

Rightly so, Lori resents the fact that I spend more time blogging than I spend with her. Even on weekends, I end up at the computer in the evening, hammering out my next post.

I know that I can't continue like this. Either my marriage will fall in jeopardy, my job will start to suffer, or I'll never sleep (lately, more than five or six hours is considered luxury).

I feel as though I'm standing on the edge of an abyss. I feel I'm on the edge of a dramatic change. And I ask myself: do I step back from the edge, turn to safety and write less, or do I leap off and see what happens?

Will my family support me if I leap? Will my employer support me if I jump?

And will you follow me, no matter what?


^* I'll give the winner a choice from the books I'm clearing out. The book will be in excelllent—but not new—condition and will be a book that has been written in the last couple of years. I have pretty good taste in literature, so don't think I'm scamming you!