Where Did I Go?

As I age, I'm starting to see less and less of the old me, and more and more of my dad.

And it scares me.

When I was younger—in my late teens to early 40s—I saw a perfect balance of both parents. From the top of my head to about my mouth, I saw my mom's side of the family. My jawline has always been from the Brown side.

My torso was from my grandfather on my mom's side. He was tall, as are some of my uncles. But when we all sat at the table, I found that I sat just as tall as they did. My dad was shorter than I am, due to a compact torso and short legs.

My legs are clearly from my dad, as they are also stumpy. They never seem to be in proportion with the rest of my body and are especially noticeable when I wear shorts.

There's a reason that I don't wear them often.

If I had legs like some of my mother's brothers, I would probably stand at close to six feet tall. When I was a young adult, I stood at 5' 7". These days, as I approach 60, I seem to have lost an inch.

This year, I seem to have made more of a transition to a Brown, resembling my mom's side of the family less and less. I've gained a bit of weight since DW and I returned from Costa Rica, which has accelerated that change.

The first thing that I notice, when I've put on some kilos, is that my face rounds out. A major Brown trait. I now wear glasses all the time, something that my dad did, too.

I find it hard to picture my dad without some baseball cap: something I rarely sport, and when I do, it's a totally different style. But I often wear my expedition had when I'm out in the sun, and the fact that it covers my hair, like his baseball cap (though, he had a huge bald spot underneath, whereas I still have a full head of hair), our similarities come through.

Last Friday, when I posted some selfies that I captured while kayaking, the first photo doesn't look like how I imagine myself. I look very much like my dad (though, I don't think he's ever been in a kayak in his life).

Here's the photo again, and another photo of me and my dad, when I was about 30. (In that photo, my dad was actually younger than I am now!)

I look at these pictures and I think to myself, why didn't I get more genes from my mom's side of the family? In that mid-1990s photo, I look more like my mom than I do my dad.

Last week, I took a selfie of my mom and me. Yes, you can still see that we're related, but the Brown gene is dominant.

Still, I look at that picture of me, even from my birthday, last March, and that photo of me in my kayak, and I think, where did I go?

And how do I get back?